Publicado el

The Truth about Single Men and Strong Women

The Truth about Single Men and Strong Women

Are you a smart, independent, single woman who is dating after 40 and having a hell of a time finding good men to date? Are you starting to think there are just no good men out there who can handle your strength and brains? I hope you don’t mind my saying this: you will be w-r-o-n-g.

As a dating and relationship coach – and a woman who was a first time bride at 47 – I’m quite aware of what we tell ourselves:

Men can’t handle smart, powerful women.

The only men left at this age are man-boys, jerks and players.

I’m not giving up my freedom for some man who’s going to tell me simple tips to live my life.

If he doesn’t come along, that’s fine. I’m okay alone.

Well, I have. These were my mantras for years.

I hung on to them nice and tight until I realized that they were myths. The truth was out there plain as day but, as we do with so many philosophy, I simply refused to understand contrary evidence. (I believed this to be true and I hate being wrong!)

One particular myths is that your fierce independence and being set in your ways keeps you from finding love.

Allow me to share some of what I learned that cleared the way for my grownup love story.

Before I got married in 2006…

No one told me how to think or feel.

Compromise was something I rarely had to do.

I didn’t owe anyone anything, so no one was the boss of me.

I made all my own decisions.

I was successful and charted my own path.

I created the lifestyle I wanted including hanging and traveling with my girlfriends, buying what I wanted and going where (and when) I wanted.

Okay…fast forward to the present…

No one tells me how to think or feel. (Okay, almost never but I don’t have to listen to him.)

Compromise of any consequence is something I rarely have to do.

I don’t owe anyone anything, and no one is the boss of me.

I make most of my own decisions (but have help when I need it).

I am still successful and chart personal path ( with the support of my smart husband).

I have a lifestyle of my choosing, see my girlfriends when I want (and travel with them), buy what I want and maintain personal priorities and routine.

My life is essentially the same as when I was single.

I admit that I do have to occasionally compromise. I constantly have to put food away that he doesn’t put back in the fridge. I’m learning to love boating even though I could have happily lived my entire life without it.

And, yes, I do seek advice from my husband before I plan a trip with my girlfriends or make a big life decision that affects us as partners.

Here is what I get in return: a lifetime companion i could count on. A partner who puts me first, supports me in everything I do, makes my life easier and more joyful, and makes me feel special, safe and loved every single day.

Your philosophy about limitations of dating after 40 are based on myths, sister. And once you let it go you open yourself to endless new opportunities to bring love into your life. I know because I’m living the truth.

Don’t believe me? Listen to enjoy School graduate Suzanne tell about what happened when she gave up her false belief that a man would limit her independence.

Want to know how to turn things around for yourself? Here are a couple points for you to consider.

1) Your delight is all in the picking.

Why would you choose a man who wants you to act in ways you don’t like to act, or throw in the towel things that you love?

Why would you pick a man who doesn’t admire your independence and honor your ability to get what you want in life?

There are things you love about yourself and your life, and you shouldn’t give those up. If you’re finding yourself having to do that with potential partners, the answer isn’t to blame men and stop dating…the answer is to attract and pick the right man.

2) Men want the real you and don’t want you to change.

Albert Einstein once said, ‘Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So, each is inevitably disappointed.

Men consistently lament the loss of the woman they thought they married. Why does this happen? Because we bend like a pretzel to snag a man and then become our real selves even as we feel secure…much to his surprise!

If you are independent and have things you feel you must do in your life…be that and do that. When you meet men, show them who you are. It’s the only way to find a good man whowill accept and appreciate your strength..

The real surprise is this: a great thing happens when you find the good man you love: some of your priorities change. You want to please him, and it’s easy to make alterations. That’s when you know you have the right man.

Some of the things you thought you’d never let anyone influence in your life become things you can’t wait to talk to your man about. And having his strong, steady hand is a gift you’ll feel grateful for every day.

You have attained the right to be super-proud about doing it all yourself so far. How about opening up to the idea of turning that into a pride of being a good partner and in learning how to find this ultimate joy in life?

Remember, you’re by way of a man whom you respect and admire. And you know he cares for you. Why wouldn’t you desire his opinion? You don’t have to do what he says, just honor his partnership and advice.

Here’s the bottom line, girlfriend. I understand all about the fear of losing your independence, the fear of choosing a man who’ll prompt you to miserable…all that. But you are likely basing your fear on a False Assumption.

Single men want a woman just like you, smart, strong and independent. It all starts with you finding good men to date. And once you do, any change or compromise you CHOOSE to make will pale in comparison with all you get in return.

Trust me. It’s really that simple.

You went on a date or . You liked him, and he seemed into you. Then, without warning…no return texts, no calls, he even blocked you on Facebook. That bastard…he ghosted you!

Welcome to a very large club of smart women who wrongly thought they might have finally met The One! There aren’t stats for us, but an astonishing 78% of millennials have already been ghosted. It’s modern-day collateral damage of dating. And it sucks.

Okay…listen (read) this very carefully…

It. Is. NOT. About. You.

It’s true that you’re not in control of getting ghosted. It happens to the best of us. ( Like me. LOL!) But you are in control of how much you let it get you down and affect the future of your love life.

What?? Still feels shitty? That excellent advice didn’t do it for you?

Yah, I know. When I was single it happened to me more times than i could count. In my day it was the phone not ringing. They’d say we’d see each other Friday night and it’s Thursday at 8pm. And there I’d be…still waiting for the phone to ring and wondering do I call him?

I was always sure he’d call annnnny minute. 9.9 times out of 10 he didn’t.

Compliment of technology, things are way worse for you! People can disappear so easily. (Women do this to men all the time, btw.) Technology also gives us a *perception* of being closer than we really are so we get attached much quicker. When he disappears without having a word it painfully reminds you that you were never close at all.

Why He Might Have Ghosted You

The thing that hurts so much about ghosting is the damn uncertainty. Did I do or say something wrong? Did I misread the signals? Is he dead or in a hospital somewhere? (He better be!)

I know your inquiring mind wants to know so here is my quick variety of reasons he ghosted you:

  1. He can’t deal with confrontation and scared to tell you he’s not interested. So, like a delicate baby boy, he flees.
  2. He got what he wanted – attention, sex, an ego-boost – and now he needs another hit. It was all about the chase for him. He’s on to the next conquest.
  3. He knows something you don’t know, like he can’t please you in the long run, so he’s doing you a favor. He figures that’s enough.
  4. He had a good time but he’s met someone he likes better. She’s shorter, richer, sportier, less religious, more geographically desirable…whatevs. He figured after just a couple dates he doesn’t owe you a formal (aka grownup) goodbye.

How To Handle It When He Ghosts You

You don’t want a man in just about any of the above categories, right? So, try to see ghosting as a less-than-elegant way some jerky or incompatible guys weed themselves out of your life.

I want you to learn what I finally did: ghosting and all those other forms of dating rejection only feels as bad as you allow it. (And btw, there’s absolutely no such thing as online dating rejection! )

How we perceive things, our false/unrealistic expectations, and or our magical thinking have more to do with why we end up feeling insecure and beaten down…and then hating dating.

The more you allow this kind of experience to get you down, the sadder and angrier you will get. And those feelings leak through on future dates, sister! When you’re looking at the guy in front of you and afraid that he’s going to be like the last, your distrust is all over your face and in the human body language.

It. Is. NOT. About. You.

Trust me, you can’t hide what’s going on in your mind.

Of course this new man is actually a good guy he’s not calling you again… because you messed it up worrying about what happened before him.

When I coach women about this, I tell my clients that it doesn’t matter why he ghosted you. He was definitely not a good match for you. He showed his true colors by disappearing – so good riddance.

And really, girlfriend, you really didn’t know him at all! If you’re pining over him after a few emails and a date or two then it’s the fantasy you created that you’re losing. It’s not a real good man.

Principle #3 of Dating Like a Grownup is this: Take responsibility for your actions and outcomes.

It’s true that you’re not in control of getting ghosted. It happens to the best of us. ( Like me. LOL!) But you are in control of how much you let it get you down and affect the future of your love life.

I’ve coached over 100 women on this. Unfortunately ghosting is all the rage in this world where it’s simple to full cover up behind technology.

Bottom line, here is what i would suggest you do when he ghosts you:

  1. Pour yourself a glass of wine.
  2. Give it a quick ‘oh shit’.
  3. Devote a few minutes to reflecting on any part you might have played. (That incudes creating the fantasy.)
  4. Toast him for letting you move on.
  5. Move the hell on! UPCOMING!

Have you been ghosted? Which of these tips do you think will help you as time goes on? Let me know!